Hey, friends. Are you and your spouse speaking the same love language? In today’s blog, I’m going to talk about the five love languages and how you can use these languages to make your love life with your partner better.
The basic concept comes from a book The Five Love Languages (affiliate link) by Dr. Gary Chapman. He explains that there are five love languages that we use. One is words of affirmation, the others are quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.
What is a Love Languages?
Gary Chapman talks about our “love languages.” By way of an example, my primary love language is words of affirmation. That’s how I best receive love. So when someone affirms me verbally, that really makes me feel good. But that might not necessarily be the best way that my husband receives love. So, as another example, let’s say that my husband’s primary love language is gifts.
He feels really, really loved when I give him a gift. So, for him, when he gives me a gift, he may be thinking that, “She’s going to love this. This is going to be great,” because that’s his primary love language. If he gives me a gift, I’m going to appreciate it, of course, but he’s not necessarily, “speaking my language.”
He’s not giving me the words of affirmation, which are what really gets to my core. In the book Gary Chapman explains what the love languages are and why they’re important. If we’re not communicating in the same way, then we’re kind of misfiring. When we aren’t speaking the love language of our significant other, it’s nice, but it’s not as wonderful and amazing as it could be.
Love Language 1: Words of Affirmation
Let’s examine the first one – words of affirmation. It’s probably pretty obvious, but it would be along the lines of like, “Hey, the house looks really great. You did a good job cleaning up,” or “Hey, you look amazing for our date tonight. Gosh, you look really pretty,” or, “You look really nice today.” Just little things where you’re affirming the person for who they are. So, that’s mine, and it can be affirming for big things that I’ve done or just something as simple as, “Thanks for throwing my laundry in the dryer.”
Love Language 2: Quality Time
Number two is quality time. Quality time, again, probably pretty obvious, but you feel loved the most when your special person sets aside time just for you, no phone, no TV, no computer, nothing. You’re having quality one-on-one time, you know, eye contact, the whole bit, with your partner. And the no phone thing, that’s a big one. I don’t think that we realize how much we’re on our phones. So, quality time is number two.
Love Language 3: Receiving Gifts
Number three is receiving gifts. Again, pretty obvious. It doesn’t have to be extravagant. It can be something as simple as a rose from the gas station, or your favorite gum. Or, “Hey, I picked up the kind of tea you like.” It could be extravagant, it doesn’t really matter. The point is that my person was thinking about me while they were out doing their thing. They saw something and they thought, “Oh, she would really like that.” It’s that I was being thought of while they were out and about and then they brought me a gift.
Love Language 4: Acts of Service
Number four is acts of service. I’m thinking there’s probably a lot of moms out there that are like, “Oh, me. This is mine. Acts of service. Clean the house.” No, but really, acts of service are for those people who receive love best when their partner makes a sacrifice and does something for them. So, for example, I hate taking out the trash. If my primary love language is acts of service, I would really feel loved if my husband would commit himself to taking out the trash. I would never have to do it again, and it would be a sacrifice for him because I don’t really know anybody that likes taking the trash out. For me, this would be an act of service that would make me feel really loved because he’s taking care of this thing that I hate to do.
Love Language 5: Physical Touch
So, acts of service is number four and the last one, number five is physical touch. And all the husbands are like, “Me, me.” And it’s probably true. Physical touch is a really important part of any marriage. But the one thing that Gary Chapman talks about in this book is that a lot of husbands might mistake physical intimacy for their primary love language because they really like the intimate part of marriage.
However, the physical touch thing is more than the intimacy. It’s, like, when my husband comes up behind me and pats my back, or rubs my shoulder, or pats my bum, just something non-sexual. When he holds my hand when we’re out, or when we’re watching a movie, if he, instead of sitting on his comfy chair comes over and sits next to me. It’s physical touch in a non-sexual way that reminds me that, “I’m thinking of you, I love you.” Play with my hair massage my shoulders, whatever…..physical touch that is non-sexual.
These are the five love languages that Gary Chapman teaches about. If you haven’t read the book or if you haven’t heard of it, I would strongly encourage you to check it out! It really can make a difference when you and your partner are on the same page speaking each other’s love languages or even just learning your partner’s love language. For those of you who are readers, you can get Dr. Chapman’s book from Amazon – hardcover or Kindle.
Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages Website
And for those of you who are not readers or you don’t have time to read a book, (mothers with kids 😜), you can actually go to his website. It’s a free resource where you can take a quiz on your phone or computer that will tell you your primary love language. Sometimes, you’ll notice there is a secondary love language which is also nice to know.
Anyway, you can go to his website and check it out, and have your partner do the same. It gives you a nice little bit of info about your love language and what it means. Then you and your partner can email each other your results. I would just encourage you to check this out because once you and your partner are on the same track as far as knowing each other’s love languages, it’s a lot easier to fill up that, “Love tank,” as Gary Chapman would say, and make each other feel really loved and special. It’s actually not that hard once you understand the way your partner receives love best.
I hope you find this concept helpful. It sure has been for us.
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